if you did not hear i am now fully employed. this means that i have to go to work EVERY day. ugh life is SOOO hard.
besides the fact that i now have NO free time i have also become a work-a-holic. this is tres bad for my life and has made my hermit lifestyle blow up. apparently now it is totally acceptable for me to not do anything b.c. i can say i’m doing work.
well to make my life a bit more eventful i have decided that i need a boyfriend. i also need to get someone who will start buying me dinner. paying for myself all the time is soooo hard. i also have 6 weddings to go to and no date. that is ok for all but one so by april i need a beau.
welp, thankfully i have such great friends who instead of thinking of people the know that will not become sleezy cheaters/liars/creepbags they keep suggesting i go on match.com.
UM HELLO i am too poor for match.com. i mean that’s why i need a beau, so i can start eating out! also i really do not think the man that i am going to trick into being my husband is on match. he is probably too busy doing his job for that shiznet.
so i have taken matters into my OWN hands. no i am NOT trolling the suburbs for a bf, i have started asking the people i work with if their super productive husbands have stand up friends who want to date me. i also make amazing baked goods that i pawn off on these individuals so that they can also talk about my amazing food making abilities. so far no one, save my crazy department head, has really offered anyone up.
she suggested that i start working out and meet a “hot” guy there. i really wanted to let her know that i do not need a “hot” guy. my DREAM boyfriend will be slightly over weight (so that i don’t feel bad about my fatness), and at least 6 feet tall. enjoy drinking and not mind that i occasionally black out and do stupid shit and love love love to drunk dial. he will love bailey and not mind that i treat gramps like he is my child.
so here is my match.com add:
tall gent of average build that enjoys kakis, polos and sperrys. must love all tv, including reality, eating and tennis. you cannot smoke, be lame, or be dumb. you must be smarter then me or know more then me about some subject that i find interesting. you must also like your family, and be bff with your siblings. if you do not like your sibs or your parents, do not contact me. also if you like to lie, cheat, or be an ass hole move on. also if you have a problem with the fact that i go to bed at 8:30 pm, move on. you must be ok with my smelly 13 yo yellow lab that is oddly attached to me and has doggie alzheimer’s. last but certainly not least you need to be single and baggage free.
oh and yes… i did print this out and put it in all my co-workers mailboxes.
ok that’s a lie but i am like 2 months from that desperate, plus it would be REALLY funny if i did!