its been raining for days it seems.  on saturday we got a bit of a reprieve so mr. match and i took to the national park for a jog mini-marathon.  i had no motivation to go for my run so i asked him to accompany me and push me.  he turned in to Béla Károly and i was poor injured keri sturgg gimping along trying not to let any one down.  we started our venture simple enough and about a mile in i asked how long we were going.  mr. match said oh not to far.  i suggested we go 8 miles and he said no 12.  i was game as i had just figured i would sweet talk my way out of the last 4 as i was to be tapering.  if only it had been so easy.

as we raced along, aspen out in frount of us pulling poor mr. match along, life seemed good.  my legs felt strong, then it happened.  it started a a bit of a funny feeling in my stomach.  i stopped for a second to recompose myself but in the back of my head i knew it was not going to be pretty from this point on.  for years now i have been struggling with bowel problems and in the past 4 months they have gotten out of control.  i go to the doctor tomorrow and hopefully can get some answered.  i first thought i was gluten intolerant but they have the opposite problem as i do.  they have to take shadoobie, where as i cannot and end up looking like i am 6 months pregnant. but i digress.

so at about mile 2.5 i had to poop.  no way about it.  i asked mr. match if there was a rest room up ahead and he said yes soon.  LIES.  it was a port-a-john about 1 mile head.  i thought this was the worst part of the run.  i trudged on now in sevear pain and as risk of pooping my pants.  i made it.  did my business and we were off again.  until about mile 4 when i had to go again.  mr. match unable to comprehend that i was now in the mist of a FULL BLOWN T.J. MAXX situation with no clear bathroom in sight told me to suck it up.  we continued running with me b*tching every so often about my situation.  at about mile 6.5 there was an actual rest room oasis!  without saying anything to him i took off for it.

HEAVEN!  but again i was ahead of myself.  after what i thought was an expulsion of everything my poor stomach had left i washed my hands, splashed water on my face and felt great like death and was holding back tears.

i caught up to mr. match and he asked if i was finally ok and we could get back to running.  i sulked a bit and said yes.  as we started our run back i could not keep the tears back any longer.  i was full on sobbing and pissed as hell.  i felt sick and was finally just over this hole thing.  my stomach hurt, my hip hurt, i was running slow, and i was having explosive shadobies all over a national park.  i was DONE.  but mr. match Béla Károly had other plans.  as i started to lag behind he attempted to console to which i screamed for him to f*ck off and then sprinted away from him in full sob mode.  as fast as i ran i could not out run him and i think part of him was happy to see me finally going faster then my go to 12 min a mile pace.  apparently i was going at about an 8:30/9 min mile and kept it up until all hell broke out in my bowels and i had to do it.  i had to poop in the woods.

my tears started up again and i could see that mr. match had ZERO patience left for this game.  so i reluctantly went into the woods.  after circling about like a dog i found a tree that i thoguht was wide enough to hide my shame, i squatted down and did it.  releif!  i then called to mr. mach and inqured what i should wipe with.  he suggested leaves and i asked about poison ivy.  because the only thing that would have this hole experience better was if i wiped my a$$ with poison ivy and had to run 26.2 miles with a rash on my butt.  i oped for a brown leave that i knew could not be ivy and pulled up my pants.  SHAME.  all i could think was i bet oprah did not have to do this shit when she trained for the chicago marathon.

at this point we had 4 miles left.  i think i used my new exclusive bathroom 5 more times in those 4 miles.  with 1 mile to go i sent mr. match ahead and then started to walk.  i walked myself all the way to the end and another bathroom oasis!  thankfully mr. match knew me well enough and pulled the car up out in front.  i appologized for my outbursts and thanked him for not allowing me to b*tch out.

if anything was to prepare me for this sunday it was that run. i only hope i do not relive that experience.



Filed under life, mr. match, running, shambles

2 responses to “.final.training.run.

  1. ajh

    this is so entertaining
    god bless mr. match

  2. Pingback: .marathoner!. « a.splash.of.happy

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